


Can't, Can't, Can't

by eversinceniall



Series: Can't, Want, Have [1]
Category: Pierce the Veil, Sleeping With Sirens
Genre: Best Friends, Betrayal, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, First Love, Hopeful Ending, Loyalty, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Sad, Sad Ending, Suspicion, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-15
Updated: 2016-06-15
Packaged: 2018-07-15 05:11:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7209092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eversinceniall/pseuds/eversinceniall
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kellin likes Vic, and he shouldn't. He shouldn't, and he can't. He can't, can't, can't ever have Vic, even if he had a chance, because Jaime liked him first. And Kellin knows that's one of the main rules of being a friend. You don't make a move on their crush; even if it's your crush, too.<br/>But Jaime has his suspicions that Kellin is hiding a crush of his own. Kellin won't admit to it, but that doesn't mean Jaime's cutting him any slack. Kellin struggles between the platonic love for his best friend and sense of loyalty, and the romantic love for Vic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Can't, Can't, Can't

  
Vic smiles and Kellin melts.

Kellin wants him. He wants, wants, wants. But he can't have.

And it's okay. It's okay, okay, okay.

Kellin's heart throbs in his chest when he sees the brown haired boy, when Vic looks at him. More than anything in this world, Kellin wants Vic to be his. But if there was ever such a thing as forbidden then it is the possibility of a relationship between them. Vic belongs to Kellin's best friend, Jaime. Though not in a literal sense, because you can't own someone. Hell, Vic isn't even dating Jaime. But it doesn't matter, because Jaime loves him.

And Kellin loves Jaime. Kellin loves, loves, loves Jaime. More than he's ever loved another person. The love he holds in his heart for his best friend is greater than anything he might feel for someone else. Kellin loves Jaime, and it's not in a romantic way, but that doesn't make the love any less significant. Kellin is full of love, love, love. He loves his best friend, and so Vic is off limits. Kellin loves Jaime.

(He also loves Vic.)

And it's complicated. Their relationship is complicated, because sometimes Kellin hates Vic. He hates, hates, hates the elder boy; he hates his guts. Vic is cruel and harsh, and he hurts Kellin's feelings. He acts like everything is a joke (even when it's not). Sometimes Kellin wants to punch him in the face, tell him to wake up and realize he can't be so awful to the people who care about him.

(Kellin wants to so badly; but he won't. He knows it's a part of Vic, something he can't control, can't help, just like Kellin's love for him.)

The tan boy pushes and shoves him. Kellin does it back. Vic calls him names, and the raven haired boy returns them. It's all one big joke. Kellin's friends can see it, the love. They comment on it, and he pretends not to hear. Jaime's eyes are clouded with sadness when Kellin talks to Vic, when Vic grins at the blue eyed boy. Kellin sees, but pretends he doesn't, because the hurt in his best friend's eyes smothers him. He pretends, pretends, pretends.

»»»»

Jaime asks, "do you like him?" with cautious eyes and a calm voice, though Kellin can still hear the shakiness in Jaime's words.

"No," Kellin says, because he doesn't. He doesn't, doesn't, doesn't, doesn't like Vic.

(He's lying.)

Jaime nods, and acts like he believes Kellin.

(He doesn't; Jaime knows the truth, he can see it. He just wishes Kellin would admit it.)

»»»»

It's all a big joke.

Vic brags, talks about girls right in front of Kellin.

The raven haired boy's stomach drops, jealousy fills his veins. He can see Vic watching him out of the corner of his eye. Kellin knows not to react. He can't give Vic the satisfaction of getting the response he wanted out of Kellin.

»»»»

Vic's got a girlfriend.

Danielle is her name, and Kellin has talked to her before. She's an okay girl but she's not right for Vic. She stands him up on dates, and leaves him waiting out in the cold for her. She flirts with her ex and says it doesn't mean anything. She lets Vic buy her expensive jewelry, but never gives a thing in return. She's not right for him. Not right, right, right. Vic can do better.

(Why not me? Kellin wonders.)

Or maybe Danielle is right for him, maybe Kellin's just blinded by jealousy. Vic takes silly selfies with her, wraps his arms around her and kisses her cheek. Kellin pretends he's okay with it. Okay, okay, okay. He gives Vic all the advice he needs when he comes to Kellin seeking answers about the latest issues with his girlfriend.

»»»»

Kellin tells Jaime all about it. His best friend nods along as he explains all the details of Vic and his girlfriend.

Jaime wipes away tears when he thinks no one is watching.

(Kellin does the same.)

»»»»

"You like him, don't you?" It's accusatory this time, and Kellin doesn't know what to say. Jaime's eyes are desperate, pleading for the answer, for the truth.

"I don't." Kellin laughs lightheartedly, says, "Not like that, gross. He's a friend, and he's not my type anyway."

"Okay." Jaime accepts it with solemn eyes. Jaime knows if he keeps it up, things will only escalate into a fight. He doesn't want that. He wants peace, he wants the truth. Jaime knows he'll never get it, can't have it.

(He can't have Vic either.)

»»»»

Kellin's friends know. They know, know, know, but he keeps pretending he doesn't hear them talking.

They're wrong, they're all wrong.

(They're not, but he wishes they were.)

They say he and Vic have a love-hate relationship. Kellin supposes it fits their situation quite well. Because he does hate Vic. He hates, hates, hates the tan boy. Kellin also loves loves loves him. Like when Vic gives him that sappy smile, and his eyes twinkle as the sunlight hits them. When Vic looks up at him and he confides in Kellin, tells him things he normally wouldn't.

When he texts Kellin at four am on a school night because he's sad, or he hugs the raven haired boy on the last day of school before summer break, says, "I'll miss you," softly in Kellin's ear. He hates, hates, hates Vic. Kellin also loves him. Yet, as before, nothing has changed. He still can't have Vic.

(Jaime liked him first, and Jaime is too vulnerable. Kellin couldn't bear to betray his best friend's trust like that.)

»»»»

"You like him, don't you?" Jaime asks, determined. They're in the school bathroom in between classes.

"I don't. You know I don't." Kellin says. He lies, lies, lies. His head hurts, and he's tired.

"Why won't you just admit it?" Jaime practically shouts. "Why can't you just tell me the truth?" He asks, eyes weary.

"Because I don't. I don't like him. I have told you countless times. He's nothing to me." Kellin defends himself.

"You liar! You fucking liar! Why won't you just tell me the truth?" Jaime sobs as tears run down his face. He's a total disaster. "You're supposed to be my best friend...Why do you keep lying to me?"

"I'm not lying. I swear."

Lie, lie, lie.

Kellin can feel the tears spilling down his cheeks, clear evidence that he's a liar, that he has something to feel guilty for.

"Fuck you!" Jaime spits. "Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you! All I wanted was the truth, but you can't even give me that!" He screams, his voice hoarse and drained. Jaime runs out of the room and Kellin is left behind. All alone in an empty school bathroom.

Kellin's not trying to hurt Jaime. He would never do that. All of this is for Jaime's benefit. Because if Kellin tells the truth, Jaime will get hurt. At least, that's what he tells himself. It's for his best friend's own sake.

(Kellin knows that's not true, and faintly he wonders if perhaps it's for his own sake; he can't admit that he loves Vic because if he says it, then it will really be true, won't it? Once it's out there, there's no going back.)

Kellin exits the restroom, and Vic is standing there, arms crossed over his chest. "Are you okay?" He asks, concerned for once. "You look like you've been crying."

"I'm fine." Kellin lies.

"Then why are your eyes red?"

"I was getting high." The teary eyed boy says, and laughs at his own joke.

Vic doesn't laugh, gives him that blank, serious stare. "Tell me the truth. Why were you crying?" His brown eyes are warm, and welcoming.

Kellin looks away.

_Because I love you, because I can't have you. Because everything is a disaster and I don't know what to do._

"It's nothing." He says numbly. "I'm fine, I am." He spins around on his heel and walks away before the older boy can say anything more.

»»»»

Kellin keeps his phone on, waiting and hoping to get a message from his best friend. It never comes, and he's not surprised. Jaime never knows when to say sorry and Kellin himself can't risk his pride. Maybe this time, Jaime isn't going to apologize. Because, did he even do anything wrong?

I love you, Kellin types out.

He backspaces it right after. Kellin loves his best friend.

He loves Vic, too. But he can't have Vic. Can't, can't, can't. Even before Kellin felt anything for the older boy, he was off limits. Kellin's tired of can't and wonders when he can. He was full of love, love, love. But it's running out. Kellin's love is going to waste, all because he can't, can't, can't, because of respect and loyalty. He isn't full of love anymore. He's empty now, and his mind is numb. His heart aches and he misses Jaime. He can't have Vic and it hurts.

If there's anything that makes Kellin up now, it is not love, but restlessness. He can't have Vic, and he prays for the day that can't will turn into can. But even when he's out of love Kellin still has his loyalty. Loyalty, loyalty, loyalty.

(He keeps pretending everything's alright and he doesn't love Vic. Jaime still won't talk to him.)


End file.
